The Road to Bryton - Day 3

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

This morning still no major movements, but if I really paid attention I would feel slight movements here and there.  By now I was becoming obsessed with looking up way’s to make my baby move.  Every website I searched had the same suggestions over and over again, all of which I kept trying so desperately to get my baby to move more.  

I am now 37 weeks pregnant and considered full term; I feel completely fine if this baby decides to arrive.  I am normally not like this.  I have experienced having a baby at 41 weeks and 37; I preferred letting a baby be born later, but I just felt uneasy.  I kept telling myself that the baby is fine and that I am just being unreasonably paranoid.   So I go about my day, searching here and there for another way to make my baby move and start to convince myself that she really is fine. 

When I got home from work Boston ran up to me and started talking to the baby and racing his Lightning McQueen on my belly.  I hurry and took a picture of him; this would be the last picture where Bryton was believed to be alive.

During my whole pregnancy I kept having anxiety attacks and insomnia.  This night would be no different.

The night of May 13, 2015 to May 14, 2015

All night I am tossing and turning.  In my dreams there is a figure there to take my baby.  I keep trying everything I can to keep them from taking my baby, but they will not leave.  I wake, cuddle up to my husband and go back to the same awful dream over and over again all night long.

The Road to Bryton - Day 2

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Again this morning there was no real movement.  Maybe some slight movements but nothing major.  I kept telling myself that it was normal; she is getting ready to be born.  I went in to see my OBGYN, she shared with me that she was frustrated the hospital had not called her while I was there the day before.  She told me to be very forceful the next time I go into labor and delivery; I had to force them to call her.  I promised her I would.  I shared with her that the baby was still not moving very much if at all.  She checked on the baby’s heart rate, it was actually higher than the day before, and the baby moved when she felt around to see if she was engaged, which she still was.

Everything was looking good and my anxiety lowered.  We talked about how at my next appointment, in a week, we would set my induction date. On my way to work I called my husband and told him everything was fine and that the baby’s heart rate was back where it normally was.

Looking back I wish I had a recording of Bryton’s fetal heartbeat.  This day was the last time I heard it.  For my husband it was the day before.  This was our 4^th pregnancy together and my 5^th.  I was totally fine going to all my appointments on my own.   If I could go back in time, I would always have my husband with me.  You never know when a life might end.

The Voice

One Sunday while pregnant with baby #3 we were sitting in church when I heard a voice.  It said, "You will have a son.  Your baby will die." Then an older lady got up and shared her story about her losing a child to SIDS many years ago.  I started to think I was crazy and went home trying to calm myself down now convinced if I was having a son that would die.

 

Later that same day my husband asked me what was wrong and I told him about what I thought I heard in church.  I told myself I was crazy and that it was all just in my head and my husband agreed that maybe I was just being paranoid.  A little while after this happened we found out baby #3 was a boy.  I was worried the whole pregnancy and scared to get too excited for having another baby as I was worried this child would die.  To top things off I had blood pressure issues and was in the hospital a few times scared we might have to deliver him too early.  

 

With a due date of June 3rd, I went into the hospital contracting on May 15, 2008, where I had elevated blood pressure and protein in my urine.  The next morning on May 16, 2008, my doctor told me she wanted to induce me right away, but the hospital said no they would not allow her to induce me until one week before my due date, even with my blood pressure high and protein now in my urine, my doctor was very frustrated.  

 

I went back to work, as my office was closer than my home to my doctor and went about my day.  We were just heading home at 5 pm when we got onto the freeway and ended up in a car accident where I was taken to the hospital as a trauma 2, I was contracting, and the baby who was always super active was not moving.  I remembered the voice and what it told me but tried my best to stay calm, knowing if I panicked it would just make things worse for my baby.  I was admitted to labor and delivery where they monitored the baby and me for 24 hours.  After being monitored, it was decided it was best to induce labor and deliver our baby who now was starting to show signs of being in distress.

 

So early in the morning on May 18, 2008, with Primary Children ready to take our baby we delivered Straton James Wintle.  He was perfect and perfectly fine with no need to be taken to the NICU after all.  Now today Straton is very small and has some growth issues, but overall has always been healthy and happy.  Oddly Bryton had the same due date as Straton, June 3rd and on the 7 year anniversary from the car accident we went into the hospital and had it confirmed that she had passed away.  We then delivered Bryton early on May 17th as I did not want to risk having her on Straton's birthday.  

 

I have always remembered the voice I heard that Sunday 8 years ago.  I now think it was two separate statements.  One statement telling me that the baby I was pregnant with at the time was a son and the other saying my baby (my youngest) would die.  The voice was not scary, it was soft and gentle.  Because of hearing that voice I have always been at full attention when someone shares their experience with losing a child.  I do not know why I had this experience as there was nothing I could have done to prevent Bryton from dying.  Maybe I heard it to later help me understand that there was nothing I could have done to save Bryton, and to understand that she was never meant to spend much time here with us.

 

Guilt

After having our first son Chris and I both decided we were done having kids.  We had a girl and a boy.  That was all we needed, or so we thought.  Whenever I saw someone pregnant or a baby I had  no desire to have another.  I just saw awful pain and discomfort (I have scoliosis so I really see burning, intense, unbearable back pain).  Then one day I started to feel guilty remembering the dream about baby Elizabeth.

Over time, the guilt kept getting stronger and stronger.  So Chris and I slowly started to think maybe there is another child, a girl, our Elizabeth.  At this time, we were going through one of the worst financial times in our lives and the economy had just crashed.  But then one day we gave in to the guilt and decided maybe it will take over a year to get pregnant like it took with Ashton; even though we were scared to death of having another child.  What do you know, surprise we got pregnant right away!

Would this baby be our girl?  You probably already know the answer, but there is still one more story to tell that took place before we learned what this child would be.

The Dream

Since my last time post, life has drastically changed and in many sad ways stayed the same.  In May, we were excitedly getting ready to have a new baby in our home.  However, our Heavenly Father had a very different plan.  On May 17, 2015, our Bryton Elizabeth Wintle was born sleeping.   At first I could not write, eat or sleep.  Now I feel ready to share the whole story about having and losing our Bryton.

Bryton's story did not start in 2015 it started over 11 years ago in 2003 when I had a dream of a little girl that was handed to me in a box.  At the time, I was a few months pregnant in 2003.  I had a very vivid dream where I was in a very bright room and was handed a beautiful baby girl in a box.  The box was white with a see through lid.  I could see she was perfect so there was no alarm as to why she was in a box.  I was told her name was Elizabeth.   The dream was so real and vivid.  I told my husband about the dream and about how the baby was handed to be in a box but was perfect.  We both felt that this meant we were having a girl and that her name would be Elizabeth Belle (my husbands favorite princess is Belle).  I even told my mother-in-law about my dream and wrote it down very sure we were having a girl.  Still to this very moment I can remember all of the details of this dream as if I lived it.

Fast forward about a month later to our 20-week ultrasound and imagine our surprise when we are told we are having a boy.  I remember feeling shocked as it just did not feel right.  I remember when we were walking to the car my husband asked if I was ok and I told him it just feels strange that there is a boy inside of me when that dream was all so real.  So we brushed it off and went on to have a handsome baby boy named Ashton that we love greatly never being able to forget the dream and the baby girl named Elizabeth.