No Heartbeat

Because of a condition I had developed, I had to see my doctor a little more frequently during the 1st trimester with baby #4.  At the first appointment we were not too concerned when the heart beat could not be found. My uterus is folded into my back and tilted which can make it somewhat difficult for doctors to find a fetal heartbeat without doing an ultrasound.

At my 12 week appointment I remember my doctor closing his eyes and focusing as hard as he could while searching, determined to find a heartbeat.  He then told me maybe this baby is extra far into my back and that he was ordering an ultrasound.  I remember being a little scared but calm as I told Chris I was driving from Springville to Payson to get an ultrasound as other places did not have room for me.  My husband headed down from SLC to Payson and met me there.  I remember the relief I felt when a healthy heartbeat was found. 

This would not be the last time that I was sent for a ultrasound or a missing heartbeat as it happened at the 16 week and the at 20 week appointments. The 20 week appointment was the last time during this pregnancy I would have to face the experience of no heartbeat.  This experience desensitized me.  I was prepared when pregnant with Bryton for the struggle of a missing heartbeat, but it was always there, even at 8 weeks, without any problem.   It was such a relief to never have watch my doctor search for a heartbeat.

Then at 37 weeks and 4 days it was gone.  I remember thinking I have been through this before, they will find it.  Then the realization that I was full-term and the likely hood of this all being a mistake was very unlikely.  But I still had a sliver of hope as we waited for an ultrasound and asked anyone we could think of to pray.