The Road to Bryton - Day 5

Friday, May 15, 2015

Here we are again, another morning of no movement.  Before heading to work, I looked at our family calendar where all of us had made guessed about when this baby would arrive.  I had guessed May 18^th, which is our son’s birthday. The whole pregnancy I had a feeling she would come close to this date even though her actual due date was June 3^rd.

On my way into work I stopped and got a co-worker a birthday present.  I distinctly remember thinking, “what if I am walking around with a dead baby inside of me?”  As I stood in the checkout line I saw a cold red sugary drink and bought it, drinking something cold and with sugar was suppose to make babies move.

When I got into work I drank my sugary cold drink and got to work.  Around 11 am I was ready to go in into the hospital again. I was trying hard not to let anyone at work know what was going on in my mind and how stressed out and worried I was. I text my husband that I was going to head into labor and delivery, this baby would not move. After texting my husband I finally felt little flutters again.  Oh what relief I felt and went about the day and celebrating a birthday while entering a thicker fog; from this point forward anytime I would start to worry about my baby’s movement I would get distracted.

I can’t remember the rest of the day clearly.  I do remember at some point looking at the family pictures hanging in my office and thinking it bothered me I could not picture this baby being in them.  I pushed this thought aside, like I was doing with all of my worries and crazy thoughts by now. 

My husband say’s I mentioned being frustrated again about the baby not moving and just wanted her to try and break my ribs, like normal.  I did not feel an urgency to go into the hospital, instead I felt an urgency to make sure my hospital bag was packed, that my others kids had haircuts and that our camera equipment was ready to go.  After all we would be having a baby in a week or two and I did not want to be unprepared. 

The Road to Bryton - Day 2

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Again this morning there was no real movement.  Maybe some slight movements but nothing major.  I kept telling myself that it was normal; she is getting ready to be born.  I went in to see my OBGYN, she shared with me that she was frustrated the hospital had not called her while I was there the day before.  She told me to be very forceful the next time I go into labor and delivery; I had to force them to call her.  I promised her I would.  I shared with her that the baby was still not moving very much if at all.  She checked on the baby’s heart rate, it was actually higher than the day before, and the baby moved when she felt around to see if she was engaged, which she still was.

Everything was looking good and my anxiety lowered.  We talked about how at my next appointment, in a week, we would set my induction date. On my way to work I called my husband and told him everything was fine and that the baby’s heart rate was back where it normally was.

Looking back I wish I had a recording of Bryton’s fetal heartbeat.  This day was the last time I heard it.  For my husband it was the day before.  This was our 4^th pregnancy together and my 5^th.  I was totally fine going to all my appointments on my own.   If I could go back in time, I would always have my husband with me.  You never know when a life might end.

Haunted

In 2010, Chris and I moved from Lehi where we had experienced some strange things such as seeing shadows walk by us, hearing people walking around our upstairs (when no one was home), and doors opening and closing on their own all the time.  We did not fully realize how bad it was until we moved and all of these things stopped when we stayed at my dad’s house while house hunting.

It took longer to find a house than we planned so we decided to rent a condo until we found a house that felt right.  Once we moved our youngest Straton started to talk to someone.  He would tell them to stop playing on the fans and would demand they get down from the ceiling.

One night while in bed my husband and I were watching TV when we heard a loud knock on our bedroom door.  Chris yelled, "What?" and no one answered.  He opened the door and no one was there.  We checked all the kids’ rooms and they were all fast asleep and our front door was locked.  Another night our bedroom door was open while watching TV and we heard one of our kids running down the hall and stop at the end of our bed, but no one was there.  Again we checked on each kid and all of them were fast asleep.  We both looked at each other and started to wonder what was going on, as there was no mistaking that we heard and felt the running. At this point, we went from playfully joking that we were being haunted by a child to fully having to admit it was real.

Around this same time Chris and I were trying to decide if we should try for another girl.  We decided yes we would try for another and then I developed a condition that I was told if it did not leave me sterile I would only have a 1 in 3 chance of getting pregnant and then if I did get pregnant a 1 in 3 chance that I would be able to carry them full term.  Once it was confirmed I was not sterile and that I was healthy we decided to start trying and surprise we got pregnant right away and the haunting stopped.  Straton stopped talking to whomever he was talking to and we heard no more knocking on doors or running through our halls.

The Voice

One Sunday while pregnant with baby #3 we were sitting in church when I heard a voice.  It said, "You will have a son.  Your baby will die." Then an older lady got up and shared her story about her losing a child to SIDS many years ago.  I started to think I was crazy and went home trying to calm myself down now convinced if I was having a son that would die.

 

Later that same day my husband asked me what was wrong and I told him about what I thought I heard in church.  I told myself I was crazy and that it was all just in my head and my husband agreed that maybe I was just being paranoid.  A little while after this happened we found out baby #3 was a boy.  I was worried the whole pregnancy and scared to get too excited for having another baby as I was worried this child would die.  To top things off I had blood pressure issues and was in the hospital a few times scared we might have to deliver him too early.  

 

With a due date of June 3rd, I went into the hospital contracting on May 15, 2008, where I had elevated blood pressure and protein in my urine.  The next morning on May 16, 2008, my doctor told me she wanted to induce me right away, but the hospital said no they would not allow her to induce me until one week before my due date, even with my blood pressure high and protein now in my urine, my doctor was very frustrated.  

 

I went back to work, as my office was closer than my home to my doctor and went about my day.  We were just heading home at 5 pm when we got onto the freeway and ended up in a car accident where I was taken to the hospital as a trauma 2, I was contracting, and the baby who was always super active was not moving.  I remembered the voice and what it told me but tried my best to stay calm, knowing if I panicked it would just make things worse for my baby.  I was admitted to labor and delivery where they monitored the baby and me for 24 hours.  After being monitored, it was decided it was best to induce labor and deliver our baby who now was starting to show signs of being in distress.

 

So early in the morning on May 18, 2008, with Primary Children ready to take our baby we delivered Straton James Wintle.  He was perfect and perfectly fine with no need to be taken to the NICU after all.  Now today Straton is very small and has some growth issues, but overall has always been healthy and happy.  Oddly Bryton had the same due date as Straton, June 3rd and on the 7 year anniversary from the car accident we went into the hospital and had it confirmed that she had passed away.  We then delivered Bryton early on May 17th as I did not want to risk having her on Straton's birthday.  

 

I have always remembered the voice I heard that Sunday 8 years ago.  I now think it was two separate statements.  One statement telling me that the baby I was pregnant with at the time was a son and the other saying my baby (my youngest) would die.  The voice was not scary, it was soft and gentle.  Because of hearing that voice I have always been at full attention when someone shares their experience with losing a child.  I do not know why I had this experience as there was nothing I could have done to prevent Bryton from dying.  Maybe I heard it to later help me understand that there was nothing I could have done to save Bryton, and to understand that she was never meant to spend much time here with us.

 

"ton"

When naming our kids Chris and I did not set out to have a system.  We simply went by what we liked.  Lucky for me I got to name Payton all by myself (since I did not meet Chris until she was 2).  I learned picking out names with someone else is oh so much more difficult!

Chris and I did not agree on a single baby name ever and once we were pregnant we still did not agree.  Chirs wanted the name Ashlee for a boy (after a football player but I informed him I did not think our son could get away with it) and I wanted Fletcher, but we could not figure out a middle name.  Then one night Chris woke me up and said, "how about the name Ashton?" and I said OK after all that would be much more fitting for our first son than Ashlee (no offense to any men named Ashlee).  The Christmas after we had Ashton, Chris and I were looking at all of our stockings and realized Payton and Ashton's names matched and decided maybe we only agree on names that end in "ton" and that is how we accidently started the pattern of picking our kids names.   So only from this point forward did we purposely only selected names ending in "ton."

After we had Bryton my dad made a comment that stuck with me.  He said something along the lines of "Each of the kids carries a part of Bryton in their name."  I don't know if he even remembers saying this, but he said they were each named after her, not her named after them.  This gave me chills and caused me to think that just maybe we were nudged along in the way we named our kids by them while they were all together on the other side.  Anyone that attended our sealing in the Salt Lake Temple might recall that the sealer stopped and addressed all of the angels in attendance.  I have always felt that included our future children rejoicing as their parents and oldest sister were sealed together for time and all eternity.