Walking Away

The week of August 17^th to 22^nd is a blur. After getting home on the 17^th, all I remember is crying a lot. Every time I did finally fall asleep I would wake up forgetting for a brief moment that I was no longer pregnant and the pain would start anew. I quickly learned about the triggers of grief, which there were and still are a lot of.

On the 18^th we started planning Bryton’s service and celebrated our 3^rd Childs 7^th birthday. Switching from funeral mode to birthday mode felt unreal but we did it. As the week went on I started to feel physically worse and was diagnosed with postpartum preeclampsia. A day after this I was diagnoses with a prolapsed uterus and reminded to sit down and rest. I was told I had stay down just like I would be if my baby was home with me alive and well. This meant I could not do all of the funeral planning or errands I wanted to run on my own. I had to let others pickup where I was falling short.

As Bryton’s mother, there were so many things I wanted to do myself for her service and I couldn’t. It was frustrating but in the end everything turned out. On May 22^nd we buried our daughter. We started off that morning planning to dress our daughter for her services ourselves, but in the end she was too fragile, so her socks, shoes, and bow are all we got to add ourselves. We never got to dress our daughter in this lifetime.

 

We had been being told all week that Bryton did not look good and they ended up not being able to embalm her. As a result we had not planned a viewing. But last minute, right before we placed her in her casket, Chris and I decided that we would warn our family and bring the casket out opened just for a short while before we said the family prayer and headed to the cemetery. The mortician was hesitant to have us do this, but we agreed he could stand close by Bryton making sure no one disturbed her in her very fragile state.

Chris and I were instructed to each take a side of Bryton’s little casket and carry her out ourselves. I didn’t want to do it, as I knew I would break, but I did. As we sat her down I wanted to run away and fall apart. But again I didn’t. I stayed and visited with family and watched our kids as they showed off their baby sister to their cousins. I can’t remember the order but I believe Chris said a few words; my step dad gave the family prayer and then we kissed Bryton one last time and closed the casket.

As we arrived at the cemetery I remember everything looking ultra green and beautiful. I felt like I was in a dream and nothing was real. Our baby did not die and we were not really about to bury her body and walk away. But it was real, she did die and we did have to bury her and walk away. The service was short and sweet and everything went as planned thanks to our family and friends. I once heard you won’t remember everyone who attended your wedding but you will remember everyone who attends a funeral of your loved one. It is true. We are so very for grateful for everyone who postponed their Memorial Day plans to attend Bryton’s service.

At the luncheon afterward I had to be reminded to eat and sit down. I just wanted to personally make sure every person there knew how grateful we were to see them and have their support. I didn’t really care to eat as I still could not taste food. I did as I was told and sat down and attempted to eat.

After the luncheon Chris and I had to go back to the mortuary and get Bryton’s things. It was not a place we were in a hurry to go back too, even though we had been there just this morning. Once we were home we were mentally and physically drained. We were grateful our kids had left to have sleepovers with their cousin’s so that we could have some quiet time alone together. Our dear friend was sweet enough to drop off a weekend package full of treats and videos so that we could just retreat into our home and not leave.

As the day ended I was exhausted but could not sleep. Life was moving in slow motion. We are no longer the same people we were just 7 days earlier. We had our 5^th child, a daughter, and had nothing to show for it but a childless nursery full of things that were Bryton’s that she would never use. Life was not supposed to go this way, but it did. 

The Road to Bryton - Day 6

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Today is now Saturday!  I can finally focus on getting the baby’s room ready.  We cleaned and went to Wal-Mart where I felt like I ran into everyone I had known since I was a kid.  My husband hung up the baby’s curtains, assembled the stroller and car seat while I ironed her bedding that had just arrived.  I made sure my bag and camera were packed and ready to go.  It was time to get real about having this baby, I am now 37 weeks and 3 days. With my track record this baby would arrive shortly, and it did not seem real.

All day I kept trying to focus on feeling the baby move, but the fog around my mind was too thick, I would get busy with getting ready for the baby and planning my church lesson.  I completed making the artwork that would hang above the baby’s crib.  I had three frames and the middle one I made a B for her name Bryton. At one point I was sitting in the baby’s room and Boston sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to my belly.

As the day went on, I told myself at 7 pm I would eat and really focus on this baby’s movements.  After all every website said a baby moves the most between 7 to 10 pm.  As 7 pm came around I ate, and then laid with my feet up and waited, nothing.  8 pm came and I now was starting to worry but still telling myself I am just crazy. I started to once again look up ways to make your baby move and found a new one.  To lay on your stomach for a very short time and that it would force your baby to push back.  So I went into my room and and laid on my stomach with some pillows and felt nothing.  I started to cry. 

My husband came into our room and looked worried, he asked if I felt like we needed to go into the hospital.  I looked at him and said, “I don’t know.  I feel like I don’t want to go.  I just want to go to bed and deal with this in the morning. I feel so alone.”  This sent him into the mode of quickly getting things arranged with the kids so we could leave. I text my dad and step mom asking if we could stop by and have my dad and Chris give me a priesthood blessing on our way to the hospital.

I started to feel really cold and my teeth were chattering uncontrollably. I knew from others losing babies this was not a good sign.  We grabbed our things and started to head out. Our oldest saw us and looked a little worried but none of our 4 kids knew what was going on. We just told them we needed to go check on the baby and that we will probably be back. 

As we drove to my dad’s I kept telling myself, “my dad can fix this, my dad can fix this,” I am now a little girl just wanting daddy to make all her problems go away.  As my dad began to give me the priesthood blessing he suddenly stopped, it sounded like he could not speak.  This scared me.  He then said in the blessing that my Heavenly Father loves me and that everything will be OK.  After the blessing my dad shared that when he went to give me the blessing that it was strange. He suddenly didn’t know if he should be blessing me or the baby. He then said it was as if he was carried away and allowed to feel a glimpse of the overwhelming love my Heavenly Father has for me and that he knew everything would be OK, but he did not know what that meant. This gave my husband Chris peace. For myself I was even more worried.

As we pulled into the hospital parking lot I could not stop shaking and I felt like I just wanted to turn around and go home.  It took all my strength to walk in the door. I remember a lady sitting inside the waiting room as we entered, that Chris doesn’t remember being there. As we buzzed to be let in I felt dumb for being there as on Monday when I came everything ended up being fine, I should just go home.  But I didn’t. 

I laugh when I get nervous, I am pretty sure I laughed as we explained what was going on and that everything was probably fine but I can’t get the baby to move at all, and that I can’t remember the last time I actually felt a real strong movement.  This time they had me get changed and checked me in.  Then the nurse went to hook up the monitors.

While the nurse looked for the heartbeat I did not initially panic, but then as she kept looking I saw her facial expression go from happy to hyper focused.  Then she grabbed my hand.  This is when I knew.  She kept looking for a heartbeat for what felt like an hour, but I am sure was only minutes. I looked over at my husband who was sitting with his head in his hands.  I then started to say I was sorry.  I don’t know if I said it out loud or in my head, but I just felt sorry.  Sorry I had not come in sooner and that our daughter was in danger.  But I had not given up completely.  The nurse then told me, “I normally can find a heartbeat by now.  Nothing is confirmed yet. Your doctor was just here, we will have her come back and order an ultrasound.” There was no need for me to fight to have my doctor, a small relief as I try to keep from completely falling apart.

At this moment, I feel helpless and out of control. The only thing I could think to do was to have Chris text everyone we could think of to pray, pray for a heartbeat, this is just a mistake. Oddly we have experienced a broken monitor before, so I was secretly hoping this was just a big mistake.

As I sat there waiting, shivering and teeth chattering I felt completely alone.  I felt so empty. I felt like I just wanted to get up and run away. This was not going as planned. I was ready for bed, not ready to deal with this. Then my doctor came in pulling what I am sure was the first ultrasound machine she could quickly find. I told her I could not look as I covered my face and she turned the screen away from me. Then she and the nurse began the ultrasound.  I heard them say the placenta looked good, the umbilical cord looked good and other things to themselves. I kept my arm draped over my face and hoped any second they would turn on the sound and I would hear a heartbeat.

Then the ultrasound tech came in with another machine and my doctor looked at me and said she was going to let the tech do the ultrasound now, but that my doctor did not see any movement.  She was telling me my baby was dead without telling me. I believe I cried as the tech too did an ultrasound with her machine and again I heard bits and pieces that everything looked fine, but there was no movement; my baby had passed away and from the ultrasound they could not see a cause. My baby looked perfect.

As I am absorbing everything I looked right at my doctor and said, “I cannot do this, I am NEVER doing this again.” I can only imagine how I was looking at her; I know I felt like she should be able to fix this. She has saved my babies before. She looked at me calmly and said, “Well we are not making any major decisions tonight.” I asked if this means I need to deliver and she said yes. At some point I looked at Chris and said, “Our Heavenly Father has confused us with someone else, I am not strong enough to do this.” 

As our parents started to arrive we were trying to figure out how to tell our kids and getting them to the hospital. My doctor then told me if I wanted she would let me go home, sleep and deliver in the morning. But I said no, as there was no way I could make myself walk back into the hospital. Plus our son’s birthday is May 18^th and if I wait until the next day I ran a greater risk of delivering on the 18^th; I felt if I could prevent that I should.

We decide to wait until after we got some time with our kids to start my induction. When our kids arrived they were at first fine, not knowing that anything was going on except that we were going to have a baby. I can’t even remember which one of us said what to the kids. But we were honest with them. I felt like sheltering them from what was going on what not right. We told them that the baby had died and that we needed to deliver her. A few of the kids crawled up onto the bed with me and cried.

We answered any questions they had, many of which we did not have answers to but we were honest with them about that too. We left it up to them if they wanted to stay at the hospital or not. We also told them once she was born we were not going to make them see her or hold her if they did not want to, everything was up to them and we as their parents were not going to be upset with how they decided to handle this. However, we did make it clear this would probably be the only chance they would get to hold the baby.

We had family going to get the baby’s blanket that we had for her and I was asked if I had anything I wanted Bryton to wear once she arrived. At this point we had gone from referring to the baby as her or she to using her name Bryton. I realized all I had was a sleeper but nothing newborn sized at home yet as the clothes I had finally ordered were not going to arrive for a few days. My nurses brought in dresses for us to choose from and bracelets. Everything we picked had purple on it. The dress was white with purple ribbon, white booties with purple ribbon and a set of matching purple bracelets for Bryton and I.  After each of the kids figured out what they wanted to do I told my nurse I was ready (or as ready as I could be).

The Road to Bryton - Day 5

Friday, May 15, 2015

Here we are again, another morning of no movement.  Before heading to work, I looked at our family calendar where all of us had made guessed about when this baby would arrive.  I had guessed May 18^th, which is our son’s birthday. The whole pregnancy I had a feeling she would come close to this date even though her actual due date was June 3^rd.

On my way into work I stopped and got a co-worker a birthday present.  I distinctly remember thinking, “what if I am walking around with a dead baby inside of me?”  As I stood in the checkout line I saw a cold red sugary drink and bought it, drinking something cold and with sugar was suppose to make babies move.

When I got into work I drank my sugary cold drink and got to work.  Around 11 am I was ready to go in into the hospital again. I was trying hard not to let anyone at work know what was going on in my mind and how stressed out and worried I was. I text my husband that I was going to head into labor and delivery, this baby would not move. After texting my husband I finally felt little flutters again.  Oh what relief I felt and went about the day and celebrating a birthday while entering a thicker fog; from this point forward anytime I would start to worry about my baby’s movement I would get distracted.

I can’t remember the rest of the day clearly.  I do remember at some point looking at the family pictures hanging in my office and thinking it bothered me I could not picture this baby being in them.  I pushed this thought aside, like I was doing with all of my worries and crazy thoughts by now. 

My husband say’s I mentioned being frustrated again about the baby not moving and just wanted her to try and break my ribs, like normal.  I did not feel an urgency to go into the hospital, instead I felt an urgency to make sure my hospital bag was packed, that my others kids had haircuts and that our camera equipment was ready to go.  After all we would be having a baby in a week or two and I did not want to be unprepared. 

The Road to Bryton - Day 4

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Again this morning there is no movement.  I am frustrated as this baby always was moving and extra busy in the mornings.  I lay on my side hoping she will move for me to give me some peace, but she never does. 

Something feels different this morning.  I am so tired and I feel emotionally, physically and spiritually drained; like I had just been in a battle for my life.  When my husband wakes up I tell him about my strange night and how I just feel different.  He asked if I thought we needed to go into the hospital and I said no I felt off.  All morning though I could not put my finger on what is different, it was as if I was walking through a fog. 

I pushed my worries aside, get ready for work and attempted to get the baby to move.  A couple of hours into my work day I text Chris that I am about to head into the hospital as this baby will not move.  Right after I send the text I suddenly feel a few little flutters and text him never mind and force myself to order a few baby girl items, as I have nothing for a newborn baby girl to wear.

Before heading home I search more ways to make the baby move, I don’t find any new information and talk myself into it being normal. I decide to really pay attention between 7 pm to 10 pm when every website said babies are the most active.  But I can’t seem to find peace. I continue to tell myself everything is fine and I am just being a paranoid pregnant mom, even though this is my 5^th pregnancy and I have never been like this before.

7 pm comes and I start to pay attention, nothing.  I try not to panic and start to think maybe I am feeling slight movement but I still keep trying all the tricks to make this baby move.  By 10 pm I tell Chris we might need to head into the hospital when I suddenly feel three little light movements on my left side and feel like I can go to bed.

Looking back we learned that the early hours of May 14, 2015 are most likely when Bryton passed away.  The movements I am feeling are ghost movements, some caused by a type of indigestion mothers develop after a baby passes away inside their womb often preventing a mother from knowing the baby is no longer living.  I have struggled with that I did not know or feel an urgency to go into the hospital, but the reality is (according to my OBGYN) you only have 10 minutes to get a baby out and resuscitated after their final movement, if you know it was their final movement.  There is nothing I could have done.  

The 14^th is often one of the hardest days for me each month.  Even today, during sacrament meeting in church, I suddenly wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear, but I do what I can to hold myself together and save falling apart for later.  

The Road to Bryton - Day 3

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

This morning still no major movements, but if I really paid attention I would feel slight movements here and there.  By now I was becoming obsessed with looking up way’s to make my baby move.  Every website I searched had the same suggestions over and over again, all of which I kept trying so desperately to get my baby to move more.  

I am now 37 weeks pregnant and considered full term; I feel completely fine if this baby decides to arrive.  I am normally not like this.  I have experienced having a baby at 41 weeks and 37; I preferred letting a baby be born later, but I just felt uneasy.  I kept telling myself that the baby is fine and that I am just being unreasonably paranoid.   So I go about my day, searching here and there for another way to make my baby move and start to convince myself that she really is fine. 

When I got home from work Boston ran up to me and started talking to the baby and racing his Lightning McQueen on my belly.  I hurry and took a picture of him; this would be the last picture where Bryton was believed to be alive.

During my whole pregnancy I kept having anxiety attacks and insomnia.  This night would be no different.

The night of May 13, 2015 to May 14, 2015

All night I am tossing and turning.  In my dreams there is a figure there to take my baby.  I keep trying everything I can to keep them from taking my baby, but they will not leave.  I wake, cuddle up to my husband and go back to the same awful dream over and over again all night long.

The Road to Bryton - Day 2

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Again this morning there was no real movement.  Maybe some slight movements but nothing major.  I kept telling myself that it was normal; she is getting ready to be born.  I went in to see my OBGYN, she shared with me that she was frustrated the hospital had not called her while I was there the day before.  She told me to be very forceful the next time I go into labor and delivery; I had to force them to call her.  I promised her I would.  I shared with her that the baby was still not moving very much if at all.  She checked on the baby’s heart rate, it was actually higher than the day before, and the baby moved when she felt around to see if she was engaged, which she still was.

Everything was looking good and my anxiety lowered.  We talked about how at my next appointment, in a week, we would set my induction date. On my way to work I called my husband and told him everything was fine and that the baby’s heart rate was back where it normally was.

Looking back I wish I had a recording of Bryton’s fetal heartbeat.  This day was the last time I heard it.  For my husband it was the day before.  This was our 4^th pregnancy together and my 5^th.  I was totally fine going to all my appointments on my own.   If I could go back in time, I would always have my husband with me.  You never know when a life might end.

The Road to Bryton

Monday, May 11, 2015

Every morning when I wake up the baby moves around like crazy.  She is active while I eat, exercise and get ready for work.  This morning, however, there is no movement.  I start to try and think about the day before…I can’t remember if I felt her move.  We had been so busy with family that I had not paid much attention to the baby’s movements.  I try to not panic and then I suddenly have intense contractions that feel like a band is being tightened around my lower abdomen and back; they are so strong I could barely make myself walk.  At this point I feel like I need to go into labor and delivery to be checked out. 

The whole way there I keep hearing in my head, “there is something they need to see, they need to see it.”  As we park and my husband is trying to help me in the nurse sees me and asks right away if I need a wheelchair.  I declined and held onto the nurse’s desk. I explained that I have not felt movement and that I am sure my baby is fine but I have never had a baby just stop moving before.  The contractions had just started so I was not as concerned about them but could not really walk or breathe through them.

They did not have me change.  Instead they just asked me questions and got me registered.  The nurse hooked the monitor up and very quickly we found a heartbeat and began to monitor the baby and my contractions.  As time went on my contractions stayed the same but I had not progressed; just when I was about to be sent home the nurse ran in.  She seemed a little panicked and asked if I had moved, I said no but that I thought I had finally felt the baby move.  She said well you just got yourself another hour of monitoring as the babies heart rate dropped down to 90, but only briefly.  The next hour came and went and they sent me home.  I was contracting and was told I am just a couple days shy of making it to 37 weeks. “Let’s have you eat, rest (stay down), and get really hydrated to see if we can’t stop full labor from coming on.” (The nurse shared that she felt if I moved around I was going to have the baby).

So my husband being the good husband he is text my work, took my phone away, and made me stay in bed.  By the end of the day I had gotten my contractions to slow down but still rarely ever felt a movement.  If I did they were very faint, when I was so use to this baby trying to break my ribs.