Hoping for a Rainbow

Before I write about the experiences of planning a funeral instead of a baby blessing, I feel that I should take a timeout and write about what is happening now.

Immediately after having Bryton I felt that I could never go through another pregnancy.  Bryton was already my bonus baby and I swore I was done after 4 and she was our 5^th. When I hit the 6 week postpartum mark and went into my doctor I decided to tentatively ask, “what if we try again?”  I told my doctor to tell me the real truth about how long would be the best to wait and what the risks would be. I did not want to be coddled and told, “Whenever you are ready,” I knew my body still had some recovering to do. I suffered from postpartum preeclampsia and a prolapsed uterus after Bryton which was slowing my body’s physical healing process.

My doctor first said to wait at least a year, but realized that would put me closer to 35 or older by delivery so she suggested waiting 6 months before trying again. At this point I was not sure if I would ever consider having another baby but decided I would give myself 6 months before deciding. Now if I could only get everyone else to give me 6 months…

People are well intended but almost immediately after our loss I started getting asked if I would have another. Even worse, people would make the comment, “you will have another right?” This put so much pressure on me making me feel like I was letting others down because I was not ready. I was walking around every day with a huge piece of me missing. Many have the false belief that if you have kids and lose one somehow your living children make the loss less significant, which is not the truth.

Others believe the longer you have a child the greater the loss, again not the truth. This is like saying I love my 16 year old more than my 4 year old, and I bet most would assume the opposite if they see me with my kids as my 4 year old needs me more. A loss of a child is a loss of a child, no matter the age or stage of life they are in. You don’t grieve because of time you had with someone you grieve because of the loss of time with someone and the love you feel for them. You long to be with them. There are various degrees of trauma associated with different types of loss too. But that is a whole other topic.

After much soul searching and turning to my Heavenly Father I did get a strong answer that there was another child for us to have. My husband though, was not ready. We both agreed that there was another, but we were not ready.  I would bounce back and forth about if I was ready or not almost on an hourly basis.  Before we had been ready there was a pregnancy scare. I say scare because of the anxiety that I felt which confirmed I was not ready. After a seemingly constant panic attack it was such a relief when I found out I was not pregnant.

A couple of months later at our son’s 4^th birthday party my husband and I were watching him play and having fun. Later the next day my husband shared that he now felt ready to start possibly trying for another baby. A couple weeks later my husband was getting ready to leave town. I woke up really early and suddenly realized I was late. I calmly took a pregnancy test and waited as it turned positive (6.5 months after delivering Bryton I was pregnant). I did not panic, but instead felt completely calm. I hid the test and went about my day. While my husband was gone I figured out a way to tell him. I would put the pregnancy test and a note in the baby stocking we used for announcing Bryton’s gender the year before.

When he got home, a couple of days later, I had the stocking sitting on our bed and he instantly asked if I was pregnant. Surprisingly he was calm too. We decided not to tell our kids, until after we knew everything looked OK. Even after our first ultrasound (which I was a nervous wreck for) we decided to wait a little longer to tell our kids as we just did not feel ready to talk about the pregnancy with others.

Finally we told our kids, then eventually our parents and then everyone. Everything about being pregnant reminds me of Bryton and I have found the further along I get, the more anxiety I have. While I am at high risk for preeclampsia and other issues, everything seems OK at this point. I am already on no vacuuming, sweeping or mopping in addition to the normal no lifting (including Boston, but I forget).

I have had questions like, “Why are you high risk? It’s not like it will happen again.” I want to say, “Um my healthy baby died, inside me, nothing makes you more high risk than that.” But I don’t. There are so many ignorant things people say and ask (I have to make the constant choice not to be offended). Somehow I try to find ways to answer and then I often go home and crawl up into the fetal position and cry (it might sound more like whaling if you ask my kids or husband). I hope by being real and not sugar coating every little thing we have been through that others might know they are not alone when they have down times in their lives. Even with all the sadness I do still have times of great joy, they are often short lived because of the pregnancy hormones I have running through me, but they are still there.

As I go through this journey of caring a rainbow baby (child born after loss) I hope others will be sensitive to the fact that this child is not Bryton nor are we having another child to replace Bryton. I do not expect this child to heal my heart, nor do I feel I should place that responsibility on their tiny shoulders. I am meant to be their mother, no matter the shape I am in, so that is what I will do. It will not be easy but I will do it. However, we do hope by adding this child to our family we will be able to end our experience of having children on a happier note. This is something I am fully aware all too many couples do not get to do. I feel guilt for that. There is great guilt in being able to conceive and carry our own children to term when I know so many can’t.

While I carry grief, guilt and anxiety we are very excited at the same time. We look forward to August and pray it will bring us a living child who is warm and safe in our arms.

Baby loss terms:

Angel Baby (some that do not believe in God or angels do not prefer this term, be sensitive to that) – A baby that passed away in or outside the womb.

Sunshine – Child born before a loss.

Rainbow Baby – Child born after a loss.