No Heartbeat

Because of a condition I had developed, I had to see my doctor a little more frequently during the 1st trimester with baby #4.  At the first appointment we were not too concerned when the heart beat could not be found. My uterus is folded into my back and tilted which can make it somewhat difficult for doctors to find a fetal heartbeat without doing an ultrasound.

At my 12 week appointment I remember my doctor closing his eyes and focusing as hard as he could while searching, determined to find a heartbeat.  He then told me maybe this baby is extra far into my back and that he was ordering an ultrasound.  I remember being a little scared but calm as I told Chris I was driving from Springville to Payson to get an ultrasound as other places did not have room for me.  My husband headed down from SLC to Payson and met me there.  I remember the relief I felt when a healthy heartbeat was found. 

This would not be the last time that I was sent for a ultrasound or a missing heartbeat as it happened at the 16 week and the at 20 week appointments. The 20 week appointment was the last time during this pregnancy I would have to face the experience of no heartbeat.  This experience desensitized me.  I was prepared when pregnant with Bryton for the struggle of a missing heartbeat, but it was always there, even at 8 weeks, without any problem.   It was such a relief to never have watch my doctor search for a heartbeat.

Then at 37 weeks and 4 days it was gone.  I remember thinking I have been through this before, they will find it.  Then the realization that I was full-term and the likely hood of this all being a mistake was very unlikely.  But I still had a sliver of hope as we waited for an ultrasound and asked anyone we could think of to pray.

The Name

Prior to ever getting pregnant with baby #3 while, on a date, Chris and I started talking about baby names.  Our waiters name was Brighton, I mentioned that as a name possibility and Chris agreed and our girl name was born.  However, this name would become something we would argue over for the next decade as my husband wanted it spelled Brighton and I wanted Bryton (it looks prettier and matches Payton); I ultimately won.  Chris loved the name so much that if he ever shared it with anyone he would make them promise to never use it, even if he never had another girl.

Over the years, we went on to have a Straton and a Boston but no Bryton.  One day someone mentioned if we ever had a girl we should name her Bryton Megan Wintle giving her the initials BMW.  This name grew on us, but I kept going back to the name Elizabeth.  Elizabeth is my grandmothers middle name on my moms side and  there is a Catherine Elizabeth in each generation except my mom stopped the tradition and named one of my sister Catherine Shea instead.

When I was pregnant with our oldest daughter I originally was going to name her Payton Elizabeth and last minute I gave her my middle name Jean instead as it just did not fit her.  Something similar happened with Bryton.  When she was born the nurses asked what her middle name was and I hesitated and said, Megan.  Then when Chris filled out her information he left the middle name blank and handed it to me to fill out.  I hesitated again and then ultimately wrote down Elizabeth and instantly felt at peace.

As we walked out of the hospital with a white box instead of our daughter Bryton Elizabeth my mind was suddenly flooded with the dream of baby Elizabeth and I almost collapsed as I looked at my husband and said, "we just had our baby in a box."  He responded with, "and you said she was perfectly fine, we won't find a cause for her death."  I sobbed the whole way home, harder than I have ever sobbed in my whole life.

Later I learned her full name means an illuminating place consecrated to God.  A fitting name for our angel illuminating our way back to our place in Heaven.